Monday, April 19, 2010

Round 1

We here at Carl Winslow’s Hair Line believe in a few simple things. Such as LeBron being the greatest player of all time, the binary code and HNH. All other things will come and go, but those items remain constant. We’ve seen a lot of stuff in our lives that allows us to critique the moves of others while offering our own special brand of commentary on the things we see around us. We don’t have ovaries, so fortunately for you readers, all of our content will be rational and point-driven. Before we embark on this journey into the mind of four uncouth people united by their hatred of double standards and their love of Scarlet Johansson, allow us to introduce ourselves. Rather than do generic intros, we figured we’d kick this off with 5 things that we each hate. Each of us has a hater deep down inside, and this blog is all about embracing your inner hater. Shall we?

Catfish Hunter:

1. Video vixens. Sure I love looking at them as much as the next man but they are very detrimental to society as a whole. I respect hookers and strippers because they clearly come out and say “I’m going to use sex to earn money” and that’s it. Video vixens fill their heads with false hope about dreams of superstardom, and those need to be crushed. And that’s where I come in.

2. FOX News. I’m all for representing all sides of the coin and promoting free speech, but when you use that free speech to constantly attack people it gets a little out of hand. Also, when you stretch the truth and use op-ed people to influence actual “objective” news anchors on your channel, then that becomes a huge problem of integrity. Not cool. Not to mention my extreme hate for Glenn Beck and Bill O’Reilly.

3. DJ Khaled. This fat fuck has made a pretty largely successful career out of doing nothing extremely well. He doesn’t rap; he doesn’t make the beats on his albums. He basically puts together an album full of posse cuts, but he uses the same 6-7 artists on every track on the album. But I think the thing I hate the most about this fat fuck is his excessive use of the N-word. Who gave him the right to use it or abuse it as he does? He makes me sick to my stomach. Also, he’s responsible for introducing the world to this guy.

4. The saying “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade”. That saying is a crock of shit. Basically what you’re telling me is whenever you get something really sour, just dump a bunch of sugar in the pitcher and drink that shit anyway. Glass half empty.

5. Bruce Bowen: Need I say more?

Eddie Winslow

1. Work - Every single day the majority of us go to a place that we loathe with all of our being. Our hate is so deep that we look forward to the weekend with a passion, the same weekend that only last two days. The fact that I look forward to two days over the other five days....SMH

2. Pay Checks - I cannot recall one instance where I can say I was beyond happy with pay day. It's fun because it's a guarantee that you're always going to have money in your pocket. Yes, I save it and then look at my balance on the computer screen (hoping that it’s going to magically grow by me starting at it). Yes, I travel. Yes, it helps me pay bills. Yes, I have a decent place to stay. But there is something about knowing that the government, Sallie Mae, and my grimy landlord are going to take a large chunk of that check that disappoints every time.(Don't get me wrong though. I still love money!)

3. Teases - Makes no sense… at all. Why in the world would any woman want to make a guy think that he actually has a chance just to f*ck him over right when he gets to the point where he thinks that things may work out? It really makes no sense. Most women would think, "Oh, it shows that I'm in control...hehehe"....No, it's pointless. In the end, no one wins. You just make that man hate women even more. So much so that the next woman he has a chance with, he's going to f*ck her over, simply because he has had so many women play with his emotions in the past.

4. Delusional Ugly Women - I see one of these at the office every day. Just because you have a fine friend doesn't make you fine. Please stop walking around like you’re the modern day Helen and people should be blessed with your presence. You're average. Matter of fact, you're snooty attitude makes you below average. Get over yourself.

5. My Conscience - Imagine being able to do whatever you wanted whenever you wanted with no remorse. I am not talking about killing people or anything close to that level. I'm simply saying, what if you could do away with moral hangovers? What if you could get away with stating how you REALLY feel? What if you didn't feel bad telling the girl you are talking to that she just isn't right for you as opposed to staying with her for two extra years just because you don't want to hurt her feelings? That would be something amazing. It would be like a super power.

Stefan Urquelle

1. Spray tan/Tanning beds - Since when is being orange considered cute? The whole idea of tanning is beyond me unless you look like Powder. If you do then give it a shot, but otherwise stay in your lane and do you. Tanning will not make you look like Sofia Vergara. Instead you'll look like this chick.

2. Ho-logic - The story goes I was with some of my boys and we drove by this company that goes by the name of "Hologic" and out of nowhere my boy drops an epic line and ended it with "and that's ho-logic" and so it was born. Ho-logic is one of those things you both love and hate. Funny when it happens to others, but when its you or your team thats when its HNH*. It's anything that just makes absolutely no sense, except in the mind of a ho. Like your friend with 2 kids complaining about how she can't find a man but as soon as one likes her he’s not man enough. Just use common sense and we are cool, but stop using it and I want to end your life.

3. American Idol - This guy went double platinum.... I don't think I need more reason than that.

4. Bandwagon fans/Region confused fans (see northern Indiana) - Living in Indiana with the Pacers looking like the Denver Nuggets in the-mid 90s, the only thing people have to cheer for right now are the Colts. That said, fans in Indiana love to cheer for whatever superstar or winning team is in town at the time. I went to watch the Pacers play the Cavs and I felt like I was in Cleveland. A month later the Lakers are in town and everyone has on Kobe jerseys. Get some pride and support your city, come on people. Don't even get me started on "The Region" where everyone thinks they are from Chicago, even though they are across a damn state line. C'mon Son.

5. "Brothas ain’t shit" - The most classic line ever said by females that don't have a clue. I don't care if she makes 200k or is on working the street to survive 90% of black females have said this phrase at some point because they let somebody walk all over them. They decided that all logic went out the window as soon as this dude showed some interest. They didn't pay attention that from day one he treated her like hell and didn't have a job, but "he loves me." This line is one of the classic examples of "Ho-Logic"

Kris Lang

1. Swagger Jackers. I don’t have a problem if people have different swags, but don’t come to me with a Rihanna haircut and Keri Hilson outfit and tell me, “this is just me.” Look, I don’t care what you want to wear. If your swag is dressing like you got 5 year old drunk and let them pick your outfit from an old suitcase drawer you found in the attic and at your grandparents house, fine by me. This isn’t for that type of person. I'm just talking to those people who are wearing skinny jeans now but were wearing all pink back in the day like Cam’ron… Pause on all y’all.

2. I know what I said earlier about not caring about swags but there is an exception. These people are literally worthless.

3. Andy Rooney. This old geriatric geezer should be the picture on a poster that says “Support Euthinasia.” This grumpy bastard finds a way to ruin 60 Minutes every single week, irrelevant of how interesting the topics are that are covered. On top of that he’s getting worse. There has got to be some sort of inverse relationship between how far this guy’s head sunken into his shoulders and how negative he has become.

4. SportsCenter. It embodies everything that is wrong with sports. Look, when I put on SportsCenter all I want to see are games from the night before. No Sunday Conversations with random athletes looking for exposure, no broadcasters offering their opinions on player’s personal matters, and no Gottlieb’s, Clayton’s and Lunardi’s offering “expert opinions” on sports they couldn’t even dream about playing as kids because they were that far behind athletically already. All I want are highlights.

5. I hate people who go to the bar and drink not to get drunk. Here’s my point: To you (whoever you are doing that) I probably appear to be an alcoholic fool acting a little out of pocket. Am I? Probably not, and if so, only on the weekends but that isn’t the real issue. The real issue is you’re at a damn bar, there is music playing, drinks being served and beautiful people everywhere so stop mean muggin’ in the corner with your arms crossed. Your judging me for partying? Well I’m judging you for being terrible. A bar should equal a good time, so if that is you then, I don’t even want to know what you’re like when nothing is going on.

Honorable mention: Bill Paxton. All you do is ruin good movies and take up valuable primetime on HBO. You’re the worst.

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