Friday, April 30, 2010

Round 1...Just a later version of Round 1

I'm Lazy and don't check my with it.

1) JEEP WRANGLERS. It's not so much that I despise the vehicle itself but rather a subsection of individuals who drive them: Shirtless Dudes. I know it's 80 degrees outside and having the windows down in your car is nice, but to take the doors and roof off of your car makes you dumb. I mean seriously, your car doesn't have any fucking doors, its not like you can actually go anywhere. If you park your Wrangler, someone who hates you as much as I do is going to steal your shit purely on principal. Fail. To make matters worse, you also chose to drive around shirtless, proclaiming to all passersby that you're a homo. How could you be so delusional as to assume that people who see you will think your sweet. You are not. You're a giant tool. You're like everyone that's ever been to a Nickelback concert. If you want to drive around with something that doesn't have a roof, get an actual convertible (not a Mazda or Saturn because then your a bigger queer). At least then you can go somewhere without a homeless dude stealing all the shit out of your car. But seriously put your fucking shirt on.

2) AX MEN. Really History channel. I understand that there was a writer's strike and networks were forced to air ridiculous reality shows. I also realize that the general American population is dumb enough to watch reality shows season after season with the exact same plot and different names. I thought you were better than this. You're the History channel, rednecks aren't going to watch you. That's a demographic you should be happy that isn't watching your channel (except for the occasional story about Robert E. Lee). Stop it. Go back to airing cool stuff. Like wars, how shits made, & and outlandish doomsday and conspiracy theories.

3) KATE GOSSELIN. She's everything that's wrong with America. First, you only have 8 kids. By Irish Catholic standards, you're barely half way there. There's literally 1000's of women who have raised more children than you without any help whatsoever. Also their children aren't going to be fucked up in the head when they reach the age of 14. Then there's your pathetic attempts to get sympathy that your husband cheated on you and left you with 8 kids. This one's squarely on you. Everyone in the entire free world knew he was a complete tool the very moment they laid eyes on him. How didn't you pick up on that. Epic fail. The only thing more appalling than you choosing to marry someone who wears Ed Hardy shirts past the age of 27, is the fact that there is another girl dumb enough and slutty enough to be HIS mistress. (Side note: ladies if you want to be known as a stupid whore, be the mistress of a president or golf star)

4) GAY MARRIAGE. Why do people honestly give a fuck if gays want to get married? How does this affect you. It's literally only a tax status, there are no other rights that go along with it. In fact it's actually more beneficial not to get married, because if you do end up divorced the other person doesn't have a legal claim on half your shit. This is just another prime example of people simply having too much time on their hands. There are some many purposeful things to hate (see above), but you've picked something that in no way effects your life. If you're not gay, then why does it matter if gays get married? I just don't get the church groups full of bored house wifes picketing against gay marriage, it's fucking dumb. How about doing something useful, like stopping the 19 year old pot dealer your 15 year old daughter's dating from knocking her up. The only people that have a right to be against gay marriage are really old gay people. They couldn't get the tax benefits of being married for their entire lives, so if they want to make sure that you don't get them out of spite, I'm cool with it.

5) REC LEAGUE FIGHTS. This one just baffles the shit out of me. You pay $40 dollars to play flag football (dek hockey, bowling, basketball, etc.) and then you start fights with the refs and the other team. Your life is really that pathetic that you care about the outcome of a flag football game you're playing hungover, at 10 am on a Sunday. How could the outcome of this event in anyway impact your life. You're probably the same dude that was driving his doorless roofless Wrangler, shirtless, to a Nickelback concert. Find more meaningful things to do with your life. Or kill yourself. But either way, knock it the fuck off.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Or Die Tryin...

So a few days ago I stumbled across what could be the best straight to DVD release of the year. Maybe ever....

"Caught in the Crossfire"

Isn't that the same guy who joined Jazz choir, told a guy to fuck a pie and said "Suck me beautiful" in American Pie?

Yep, sure is.

Coming this fall Chris Klein and 50 Cent star in the most generic cop drama of all time. Klein's partner is killed and he is out for blood. Using 50 Cent as his snitch to navigate "the hood" and seek revenge, he finds out there is a leak in his department. Through the help of bad guy turned partner, 50 cent, he probably finds the leak, takes on the whole force and lets 50 go at the end like Vin Diesel in "The Fast and the Furious."

I don't know about ya'll, but I'll be digging through the $5 bin for this one when comes to your local Osco. If for no other reason to see if 50 can top his performance in Soul Plane 2.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Benefits of throwing eggs...

When I first saw this I was somewhat amazed. Not suprised but amazed. There is nothing that really surprises us at CWHL anymore, but seeing politicans throwing eggs at other politicans can only be described as funny.

Imagine Nancy Pelosi getting popped in the face by eggs thrown by hundreds of Representatives.

This tells me three things about Ukraine (in addition to many others):
1. They apparently have no rules.
2. If the politicans are this reckless, I want nothing to do with an angry Ukranian citizen.
3. The fact that the words, "You lie!" sparked controversey, The United States could be classified as kind of boring.

There were even smoke bombs thrown. All it took was the lease on a Navy port being extended.

Yellow Brick Road

“Love, those who have faith in you sometimes go astray…”

That old Musiq Soulchild song was the only reason I checked for dude ever. I thought that “Just Friends (Sunny)” was some wack ish (You mean you don’t want to hit it? C'mon son.) Even though I was in like 6-7th grade when that came out, being the nice guy was played out back then, and it only got worse as I got older. Somewhere along the line, music went from “Don’t you remember you told me you loved me baby” to “Have a baby by me baby, be a millionaire.” Now, every time I hear a Kelis record, I want to have a vasectomy. These tricks aren’t going to play me like that.

Anyways I was at a little gathering the other day and we had the great idea to start a bonfire. Obviously, alcohol was involved, but the conversation went from good to great once the bonfire started. First it went to politics, because the Obama healthcare plan had just passed then jumped to the topic of relationships. I will spare you the gory details, but the jist of the discussion was “What’s the right age to settle down at?” Some guy there was in a long-term committed relationship (and when I say committed, I mean that they have joint bills and things that they both need to pay or they will come up short. Consider committed relationships financially bonded relationships) and he thought it was cool to enter these relationships whenever, as long as the sex was good and you cared about the person. Everyone said their piece, and then it got to my turn where I was one of a few who disagreed. I said that there would be no way that you settled down before you became secure in yourself and your career, and you had a successful relationship. It just won’t work unless you know who you are as a person.

Imagine you’re a 5-star recruit coming out of high school. You’re the hottest thing since sliced bread, 4.25 40 time, vision out of this world… but you’re just an “athlete”. You have no true position, so you go to college and play ball. You become a return specialist and trick play option. There you can still use your out of this world speed and talent to get you by, but whenever you play big games, you fade away because then you’re just another player. By the time you smash the combine and get to the league you become a nobody. You have no defined position, no discernable skill set besides speed and you become one of many. To me, this mirrors personal growth perfectly.

If you don’t have your life together, and then find a girl to complement your lifestyle (like a player fitting in the right system), then you’re going to hit a glass ceiling and flounder. Sometimes you take an adjusted role and it works out, but the majority of time you’re dumped like a bad habit and someone else comes in to replace you. By this time, all of your good years are gone trying to find yourself, wasting your God-given talent and you end up bouncing from one year contract to one year contract. Sure, you could hit pay dirt one last time in the CFL, but then you’d be in Canada. And even Canadians hate Canada.

I told my friends at the party that I wanted to wait until I was at least 30 before I committed to anything. I got a toast from the one lesbian there (she never confirmed it, but I just have that feeling. And I’m never wrong when it comes to lesbians) but everyone disagreed. But you know what they say, opinions are like penises: be confident when you whip yours out, or don’t be surprised when someone says “What you expect me to do with that?”

Sunday, April 25, 2010

If I were President...

...every woman would be required to be on Ciara's workout plan. The benefits of this type of initiative are so extensive that we would need an entirely separate blog to break it down.

There are three things I want you to notice:
1. Her Abs
2. Her Legs
3. Her Flexibility

To be honest, the song is not bad to me. The beat goes hard, and it's undeniable that Ciara has an above par voice. What's even more undeniable is how fine she is. To add to that, she's a certified freak. She came out the gate like Usain Bolt when she was grinding on the floor at the beginning (35 second mark). I watched that about 29 times. Some might say that this video is more of a gimmick than anything, but I really don't care. Who doesn't love sex?

Please watch...

Thanks Catfish for bringing this to my attention.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

What My City Like

For those of you that don’t know, I am a proud graduate of the Notre Dame. However, I am not proud of the fact that I spent 4 years in South Bend, Indiana. For those of you that don’t know, the difference between ND and the neighboring South Bend/Mishawaka/Michiana area is among the most drastic drop-offs in the country. Nowhere else can you go from seeing sold gold-plated buildings to halfway houses literally across the street. It’s like there’s an imaginary country inside of another country, kinda like Italy & Vatican City. Terrible.

However, this kind of up-and-coming slum produces some pretty hilarious hip hop. I still remember in my junior year business class when I received a CD during one of my business classes. There we were talking about independent hustle and they had South Bend’s own “Mo Shine Records” there to talk about their business model. Although every hip-hop savvy person could obviously tell this was nothing more than a front for a drug ring, our professor loved it. Classic disconnect between the older generation and us.

Anyway, allow us to put you onto a gem by Lil Scooter who reps the 574 to the death. He gets on a Jeezy-lite beat and tells you all about his city. Well, the surrounding area outside of ND’s campus. Lil Scooter does manage to name-drop the Fighting Irish, but he rhymes “Notre Dame” with “know to slang” – take that how you want. This is like some gangster hip hop from one of the most awkward places of Indiana. Having lived in the area, this was hilarious to me. Take it how you want.

Bonus: I also included the link to Lil Scooter’s YouTube page filled with other Midwest fuckery. This dude reminds me so much of Troy Ave it’s not even funny. Dude not from the South that tries to spit down south trap music. I included one freestyle that he uses where he mentions "cain flow", soft to hard, Dilla and Preemo in the same rhyme. I had never heard that done before, so I felt need to post it.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Round 1

We here at Carl Winslow’s Hair Line believe in a few simple things. Such as LeBron being the greatest player of all time, the binary code and HNH. All other things will come and go, but those items remain constant. We’ve seen a lot of stuff in our lives that allows us to critique the moves of others while offering our own special brand of commentary on the things we see around us. We don’t have ovaries, so fortunately for you readers, all of our content will be rational and point-driven. Before we embark on this journey into the mind of four uncouth people united by their hatred of double standards and their love of Scarlet Johansson, allow us to introduce ourselves. Rather than do generic intros, we figured we’d kick this off with 5 things that we each hate. Each of us has a hater deep down inside, and this blog is all about embracing your inner hater. Shall we?

Catfish Hunter:

1. Video vixens. Sure I love looking at them as much as the next man but they are very detrimental to society as a whole. I respect hookers and strippers because they clearly come out and say “I’m going to use sex to earn money” and that’s it. Video vixens fill their heads with false hope about dreams of superstardom, and those need to be crushed. And that’s where I come in.

2. FOX News. I’m all for representing all sides of the coin and promoting free speech, but when you use that free speech to constantly attack people it gets a little out of hand. Also, when you stretch the truth and use op-ed people to influence actual “objective” news anchors on your channel, then that becomes a huge problem of integrity. Not cool. Not to mention my extreme hate for Glenn Beck and Bill O’Reilly.

3. DJ Khaled. This fat fuck has made a pretty largely successful career out of doing nothing extremely well. He doesn’t rap; he doesn’t make the beats on his albums. He basically puts together an album full of posse cuts, but he uses the same 6-7 artists on every track on the album. But I think the thing I hate the most about this fat fuck is his excessive use of the N-word. Who gave him the right to use it or abuse it as he does? He makes me sick to my stomach. Also, he’s responsible for introducing the world to this guy.

4. The saying “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade”. That saying is a crock of shit. Basically what you’re telling me is whenever you get something really sour, just dump a bunch of sugar in the pitcher and drink that shit anyway. Glass half empty.

5. Bruce Bowen: Need I say more?

Eddie Winslow

1. Work - Every single day the majority of us go to a place that we loathe with all of our being. Our hate is so deep that we look forward to the weekend with a passion, the same weekend that only last two days. The fact that I look forward to two days over the other five days....SMH

2. Pay Checks - I cannot recall one instance where I can say I was beyond happy with pay day. It's fun because it's a guarantee that you're always going to have money in your pocket. Yes, I save it and then look at my balance on the computer screen (hoping that it’s going to magically grow by me starting at it). Yes, I travel. Yes, it helps me pay bills. Yes, I have a decent place to stay. But there is something about knowing that the government, Sallie Mae, and my grimy landlord are going to take a large chunk of that check that disappoints every time.(Don't get me wrong though. I still love money!)

3. Teases - Makes no sense… at all. Why in the world would any woman want to make a guy think that he actually has a chance just to f*ck him over right when he gets to the point where he thinks that things may work out? It really makes no sense. Most women would think, "Oh, it shows that I'm in control...hehehe"....No, it's pointless. In the end, no one wins. You just make that man hate women even more. So much so that the next woman he has a chance with, he's going to f*ck her over, simply because he has had so many women play with his emotions in the past.

4. Delusional Ugly Women - I see one of these at the office every day. Just because you have a fine friend doesn't make you fine. Please stop walking around like you’re the modern day Helen and people should be blessed with your presence. You're average. Matter of fact, you're snooty attitude makes you below average. Get over yourself.

5. My Conscience - Imagine being able to do whatever you wanted whenever you wanted with no remorse. I am not talking about killing people or anything close to that level. I'm simply saying, what if you could do away with moral hangovers? What if you could get away with stating how you REALLY feel? What if you didn't feel bad telling the girl you are talking to that she just isn't right for you as opposed to staying with her for two extra years just because you don't want to hurt her feelings? That would be something amazing. It would be like a super power.

Stefan Urquelle

1. Spray tan/Tanning beds - Since when is being orange considered cute? The whole idea of tanning is beyond me unless you look like Powder. If you do then give it a shot, but otherwise stay in your lane and do you. Tanning will not make you look like Sofia Vergara. Instead you'll look like this chick.

2. Ho-logic - The story goes I was with some of my boys and we drove by this company that goes by the name of "Hologic" and out of nowhere my boy drops an epic line and ended it with "and that's ho-logic" and so it was born. Ho-logic is one of those things you both love and hate. Funny when it happens to others, but when its you or your team thats when its HNH*. It's anything that just makes absolutely no sense, except in the mind of a ho. Like your friend with 2 kids complaining about how she can't find a man but as soon as one likes her he’s not man enough. Just use common sense and we are cool, but stop using it and I want to end your life.

3. American Idol - This guy went double platinum.... I don't think I need more reason than that.

4. Bandwagon fans/Region confused fans (see northern Indiana) - Living in Indiana with the Pacers looking like the Denver Nuggets in the-mid 90s, the only thing people have to cheer for right now are the Colts. That said, fans in Indiana love to cheer for whatever superstar or winning team is in town at the time. I went to watch the Pacers play the Cavs and I felt like I was in Cleveland. A month later the Lakers are in town and everyone has on Kobe jerseys. Get some pride and support your city, come on people. Don't even get me started on "The Region" where everyone thinks they are from Chicago, even though they are across a damn state line. C'mon Son.

5. "Brothas ain’t shit" - The most classic line ever said by females that don't have a clue. I don't care if she makes 200k or is on working the street to survive 90% of black females have said this phrase at some point because they let somebody walk all over them. They decided that all logic went out the window as soon as this dude showed some interest. They didn't pay attention that from day one he treated her like hell and didn't have a job, but "he loves me." This line is one of the classic examples of "Ho-Logic"

Kris Lang

1. Swagger Jackers. I don’t have a problem if people have different swags, but don’t come to me with a Rihanna haircut and Keri Hilson outfit and tell me, “this is just me.” Look, I don’t care what you want to wear. If your swag is dressing like you got 5 year old drunk and let them pick your outfit from an old suitcase drawer you found in the attic and at your grandparents house, fine by me. This isn’t for that type of person. I'm just talking to those people who are wearing skinny jeans now but were wearing all pink back in the day like Cam’ron… Pause on all y’all.

2. I know what I said earlier about not caring about swags but there is an exception. These people are literally worthless.

3. Andy Rooney. This old geriatric geezer should be the picture on a poster that says “Support Euthinasia.” This grumpy bastard finds a way to ruin 60 Minutes every single week, irrelevant of how interesting the topics are that are covered. On top of that he’s getting worse. There has got to be some sort of inverse relationship between how far this guy’s head sunken into his shoulders and how negative he has become.

4. SportsCenter. It embodies everything that is wrong with sports. Look, when I put on SportsCenter all I want to see are games from the night before. No Sunday Conversations with random athletes looking for exposure, no broadcasters offering their opinions on player’s personal matters, and no Gottlieb’s, Clayton’s and Lunardi’s offering “expert opinions” on sports they couldn’t even dream about playing as kids because they were that far behind athletically already. All I want are highlights.

5. I hate people who go to the bar and drink not to get drunk. Here’s my point: To you (whoever you are doing that) I probably appear to be an alcoholic fool acting a little out of pocket. Am I? Probably not, and if so, only on the weekends but that isn’t the real issue. The real issue is you’re at a damn bar, there is music playing, drinks being served and beautiful people everywhere so stop mean muggin’ in the corner with your arms crossed. Your judging me for partying? Well I’m judging you for being terrible. A bar should equal a good time, so if that is you then, I don’t even want to know what you’re like when nothing is going on.

Honorable mention: Bill Paxton. All you do is ruin good movies and take up valuable primetime on HBO. You’re the worst.