Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Listorial Crack

I came across this list and the list was such hot fire that I had to blog about it immediately. As Juelz Santana would say, it grabbed my attention like “HEY”. Or:

This is a list of 10 things you should not be doing on Facebook if you’re over the age of 25. And frankly. I think the list might start as soon as you graduate college. It hits on many points that are just too poignant and I will list out each point and provide my own commentary afterwards.

1) Choosing “it’s complicated” as your relationship status
Uhm…after age 25, you’re a grown man, or a grown woman. You have no business selecting “it’s complicated” as your Facebook status unless you’re 12, and haven’t learned what you want and don’t want in life. You either are, or are not, in a relationship. Moving right along.

-Another thing. If you’re pregnant, your relationship status should not be “it’s complicated”. If it’s that complicated, maybe you should just keep that to yourself. Matter of fact, maybe you should delete your account until you get your baby daddy situations straightened out-

2) Posing with money
If you have to pose with money in your Facebook pictures or profile pictures, chances are you have a complex because you don’t have a job, are not rich, and likely never will be after any potential employer sees you acting the fool with dirty dollars on the Internets. SMDH.

-Chances are the money that you are posing with is your rent money. Unless you live at home with your parents of course. Yeah.-

3) Changing your FB middle name to ‘I don’t give-a’ or ‘MahoganyBoobs’ or ‘Eff-U-Haterz’
Not sure whom you’re angry at, or why, but no need to be overly blasphemous about your government name. If your name is Sheila Bequila Johnson, that is fine. Go by that. But no one needs to know too much more if you’re over 25. Nobody needs to know via your full name how much mahogany you have in your boobs, how good you are in bed, or why you have soOOoOo many haters. * side eye *

-I think I wanna change my FBook middle name to Daddy Fat Sacks. Don’t judge me.-

4) Having Internet beef
Please do not go on anybody’s Facebook wall and act like a jackass if you are grown. Do not write cuss words, or easy-to-guess comments like “I hate Phonda Hose” (when we all know you are talking about “Shonda Rose”) on any part of Facebook. Doing so is childish, and if you are over the age of 25, you are not what? A child.

-Internet beef/thuggin also occurs via Twitter. And again, it’s very childish-

5) Boasting about how much you drank last night
Those were college days when you slept with your roommate for fun and flashed your university professor. I repeat: college days. Whether or not you in fact went to college, you know better than to be writing about how you gulped down keg after keg of alcohol with your boo or your crew–on Facebook. Please know better if you don’t know better.

-I wish people would stop posting pictures of last night’s drunken debauchery. No cameras, or if they are, they definitely don’t go on FBook. And if you tag me, and I untag it, don’t tag me back again. Respect my authority.-

6) Spelling words in a way that suggests you hate dictionaries
No, like seriously – what is wrong with writing “like” instead of “lyk?” Must you abbreviate every single word you have you in your diction after the age of 25? Get over it: you are grown. Take your sweet time and spell things the way an educated person with sense would spell them. Using those abbreviations are fine here and there, but dont<– leave out apostrophes or write donkey butt just because you’re trying to be “cool.” You never know who may be looking to hire — and it ain’t gonna be someone who can’t spell for nothing.

-This has to stop immediately-

7) Announcing every inch of your relationship
Not sure what the remedy would be for someone who just loooves to go on and on about his or her relationship on Facebook – except maybe somebody throwing a bucket of ice on your head if you are that person. Do we care that you and your loved one just farted at the same time in public? We sure do not. Keep your mouth shut and your butt even shutter. You are grown.

-Also, if you split with your partner, don’t jump on FBook every other day announcing that you’re in a relationship, then out of one, then vice versa. No one cares that much-

8. Carrying on a pretend life
If you’ve never been in V.I.P or popped a bottle of Moet in your life, please stop the madness? Stop creating the illusion within social spaces that you are a celebrity and you have paparazzi following you everywhere taking pictures–cos we know that’s just your cousin Jojo. And we know you live in a studio on Crenshaw. With roaches. Do better. Grow up. Be more financially responsible. And humble. Next.

-I’m guessing the pretend life also applies to people that post those photos-

9) Hating on the opposite sex ALL the daggone time!
Geez louise, we all know that the opposite sex isn’t all a bed of roses, but if you’re over 25 and you’re still pounding on them every second–especially in your FB status–maybe the problem is YOU. Just saying. Put the weapons down…and let God.

-I do my fair share of hating on the opposite sex. But I’m not 25. Sue me.-

10) Tagging other people in embarrassing photos and unnecessary little quizzes, tests, games, and crappity craps…
It’s bad enough that YOU have saved a whole bunch of hot-mess photos and are willing to compromise YOURself, but please…let the other folk who want to grow up and be somebody not fall victim to your “nostalgia.” Mmmkay? We may have acted the fool together once upon a time, but I don’t need you tagging my 1998 picture and blowing up my spot. I have moved forward. You should too.

-This is grounds for me to revoke our internet friendship. It’s that serious.-

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