My Free Will

I just discovered that I’ve been in love with Sam Smith songs for the past year, but I just didn’t know who Sam Smith was. Well, with the release of his debut album “In The Lonely Hour” I felt that I knew more about Smith, almost on a personal level as well. In this interview with Fader he spoke about the album coming from a very dark place where he was going through unrequited love with a man. Yes that’s correct: a man. Whereas Frank Ocean was very cryptic about maybe kinda sorta loving a man once during the buildup to the release of his “Channel Orange” album Smith almost takes pride in being open about his views on sexuality, and he’s correct in that this wouldn’t matter nearly as much if he was heterosexual.

Smith’s interviews and listening to the album, which I love by the way, made me come face to face with two things that I felt I needed to speak on. The first is that Smith’s album is the first time I’ve encountered an openly gay man struggling to find a partner. I have gay friends, and it seems they have a seemingly endless supply of new men whenever they want a relationship or just some physical sexual gratification. There are gay clubs, gay dating apps, gay associations, all seemingly with the purpose of pairing men looking for interactions with other men of a romantic nature. As a heterosexual male, the ease with which they are able to make these connections was always something I admired, and was envious of. If only going to a bar to find a woman was that simple for heterosexual men, I think the world would be an entirely different place. Smith seems to share what I’ve experienced personally, in terms of the dichotomy of having someone you want that you can’t have while having someone available that you don’t want, for various reasons.

Which brings me to the second item I needed to speak on: unrequited love fucking sucks. Point blank period. One of the lowest points in my life was when my ex-girlfriend told me “I will always love you but we’re too incompatible for us to continue in this relationship.” There’s a certain vulnerability that comes along with being in love, and opening yourself up to someone, and to have that be rejected by another human being is devastating. This has happened to me recently enough where I’m torn between missing my ex, missing human interaction, and simultaneously trying to recreate Ty$ songs. I feel as though my heart is in a pretzel with my mind in a sling. There are obvious voids in my life that will only fill with time and the appropriate changes in my routine. Whether these routine changes involve personal hobbies or meeting someone new, adaptation is a key part of any life and mine is no different. There’s no clear-cut solution to that feeling, and that’s what makes love so special. When you finally do meet that person that you want to spend the rest of forever with, you’ll know it.

And I’ve told you now.